what day is it and did you see me today?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
