it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
