Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
