Yo dont text me then not text me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I need to calm my uterus...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
