True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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