We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
