your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Let's get the cat blown out
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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