She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
