i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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