Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
