life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
