FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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