they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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