my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
