I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
