I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
