I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
