Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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