I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
