Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
