Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
