she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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