Rock
Scissors
Fuck
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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