you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
