I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize