Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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