Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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