i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
