my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
