Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
