I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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