You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
