Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
