I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Less talking, more tequila
Be still, my beating vagina.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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