i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
