News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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