When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
