i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
