The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
