Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
