and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
