**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
