Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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