Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
