Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
