I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
sarcasm needs its own font
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
