Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
