dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
whose parrot is this?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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