what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
