the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
