): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
