i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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