i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
