wanna go halves on a baby?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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